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Nowadays everyone talks about ‘Doing The Work’ when it comes to trying to navigate a world where a misspoken word can really get you into hot water.
Some offences are easy to see the consequences of but the danger with a faux pas when it comes to fertility treatment is that infertility is often treated and emotions managed in silence.
In fact about 1 in 7 couples could find themselves struggling to conceive a child.
The feelings associated with struggling to conceive and keep a pregnancy are complicated.
And not helped by the volume of new people that appear to be born ‘easily’ into the world. This often compounds the feeling of, Why not me or Why not us?
How to support a friend going through IVF is a well-meaning thing to want to do.
However, on the flip side, let’s now look at some ‘foot-in-mouth’ comments shared on fertility community socials. We’ll explore what not to say to someone having IVF and understand why these comments can be unhelpful.
Trigger Warning (TW) This post does contain comments that some may find offensive.
What I Wish I Knew Before Starting IVF: The Silliness of Unsolicited Advice Is Real!
What caught me off guard was the avalanche of unsolicited advice.
It’s like opening Pandora’s box of fertility folklore and hearsay. From relatives to colleagues at work, everyone seemed to have their own clichéd remedy or a tale of a friend’s cousin’s sister-in-law who got pregnant by doing something very specific!
This onslaught of tips, while often well-intentioned, ranged from mildly amusing to downright insensitive.
It highlighted a truth I wish I had known before starting IVF: in the world of fertility, everyone becomes an overnight expert, and the silliness of unsolicited advice is not just a myth – it’s real. At best laughable and at worst a heartbreaking experience.
Here are 31 Faux Pas Actually Shared On TTC Community Socials and explanations on why they simply aren’t helpful.
Deep breath in and slowly out!
We can begin!
- “Just relax, it’ll happen!”
Why is this wacky? This massively undermines the complex process of fertility treatment and suggests a deep medical issue can be resolved by chilling out.
- “Have you tried [- blah blah blah..insert alternative treatment ]?”
Why is this wacky? Suggesting simple solutions can be insensitive and not to mention dismissive of the medical expertise involved in a fertility cycle.
It can also make IVFers feel like they are not doing enough.
- “It’s just not meant to be.”
Why is this wacky? Implies that parenthood is not in their path and their current situation should just be accepted. This can be deeply hurtful.
- “Why don’t you just adopt?”
Why is this wacky? Adoption is a separate, complex journey and not a simple alternative to fertility treatments.
- “You’re lucky you get to have ‘fun’ trying.”
Why is this wacky? IVF is a medical process, not a pleasurable experience, and such comments trivialise the challenges involved- mentally, physically and financially.
It also downplays the effect infertility has on couples. Going through IVF cycles can cause strain on relationships.
- “There’s always next time.”
Why is this wacky?: This can minimise the pain of a failed cycle, overlooking the emotional and financial strain each cycle costs.
To give you an idea, the medication alone for an IVF cycle can cost upwards of £1500. The cycle itself can be around £3500. IVFers hate to state the obvious but this is some serious amount of change!
- “Are you sure you want to be a parent? “
Why is this wacky? Questions their deep personal decision, adding unnecessary stress to an already difficult journey, particularly painful where treatment is unsuccessful or there is miscarriage involved.
- “You’re young, you have plenty of time.”
Why is this wacky? Age isn’t always a factor in fertility issues and this comment can diminish the urgency and importance of wanting to have IVF success.
Can also add an element of unintentional gaslighting as it subtly implies that their concerns and desires are overblown or premature, disregarding the very real challenges and timelines they are facing.
- “I know someone who got pregnant naturally afterwards!”
Why is this wacky? Every fertility journey is unique and such comparisons can belittle their experiences.
It can also cause the IVFER to think what am I doing wrong?
- “Maybe you’re trying too hard.”
Why is this wacky? Implies stress is the cause and adds an element of blame to someone having treatment.
- “You should be grateful for what you have.”
Why is this wacky? Can feel dismissive of their struggle, as if their desire for a child is somehow ungrateful.
Not having a child you’ve dreamt of being in your life can be not only isolating but can leave a huge hole in your life.
- “At least you know you can get pregnant.”
Why is this wacky? This doesn’t fully acknowledge the challenges and emotional toll of (TTC) trying to conceive and pushes away the complex feelings during baby loss.
- “It’s God’s plan.”
Why is this wacky? Can be insensitive to personal beliefs and pain. This also adds an element of finality to TTC, making it feel hopeless.
- “Why don’t you take a vacation to de-stress?”
Why is this wacky? Suggests stress is the main issue. As if simply lying on a sun lounger at a beach could be the secret to a positive pregnancy! However, this hugely overlooks the medical complexities of IVF and the emotional weight it carries.
- “Just eat healthier and exercise.”
Why is this wacky? This implies that lifestyle changes alone can resolve fertility issues.
IVFers often feel at fault when treatments don’t work, and suggesting such simplistic solutions only adds to unfairly pinning negative results on them. This is not only unkind but also makes light of infertility.
Here’s More “Gems” Of What Not To Say To Someone Having IVF?
- “You’re focusing too much on this.”
Why is this wacky? Can seem dismissive of their efforts and the seriousness of their IVF journey.
- “At least you have one child.”
Why this doesn’t make sense? For some having more children is a valid desire and to lay judgment on that struggle is unfair.
- “Maybe it’s a sign.”
Why is this wacky? Implies a destined failure, which can be deeply painful and discouraging of their efforts and hopes.
- “It could be worse.”
Why is this wacky? Minimises their current struggles and can come across as insensitive – remembering the desire to have success as an IVFER is the ultimate goal and not a decision made on a whim.
- “Have you prayed about it?”
The problem with this advice? Can be insensitive to different beliefs or situations, and oversimplifies the journey of going through IVF.
- “Don’t worry, it will happen.”
What’s off about this comment:? IVF treatment outcomes are unpredictable. Being simplistic and dismissive of their legitimate worries is like an empty gesture.
- “You’re not getting any younger.”
Why is this wacky? Highlights age in a negative way, adding unnecessary stress and pressure.
As egg quality declines in age (we all know that!) But having someone mention this only amplifies the unfair feelings that you are to blame for your situation.
Which is untrue.
- “There must be something wrong with you.”
Why is this wacky? Blames the individual, adding to the emotional burden they are already carrying.
- “Don’t be so negative.”
Why this isn’t helpful? This invalidates their feelings and concerns, suggesting that their emotional response to their situation is why they cannot have children.
- “You should be happy for others.”
Why is this wacky? Implies they are not, which can be guilt-inducing and dismissive of their own pain.
IVF can cause complex emotions. You can feel happy for someone else’s IVF success but also have the painful reminder that the treatment may not or has not worked.
- “Aren’t you used to disappointment by now?”
The issue with this statement? Extremely insensitive to their experiences, trivialising the emotional pain and setbacks they have had.
- “It’s just a baby.”
Why is this wacky? Again this trivialises the deep desire for a child and the significance of the fertility journey.
- “You’re being selfish.”
Why is this wacky? Unfair judgement of their personal choices is quite cruel. It also wrongly suggests that their desire for a child is selfish.
- “You can always try again.”
Why is this wacky? Overlooks the emotional and financial toll of IVF, suggesting it’s an easy decision to continue with treatments.
- “Are you sure you’re doing it right?”
Why is this wacky? This implies a lack of knowledge or skill, which is not only incorrect but also insensitive.
- “At least you can Sleep in/Travel/Have a carefree life.”
Why this advice falls short:? This compares their situation unfavourably to parenting, overlooking the deep desire and efforts they are putting into having a child.
It also makes light of their current situation.
Final Thoughts: Navigating the Do’s and Don’ts of IVF Conversations and Supporting Your Friends on Their Journey
And there you have it – a no-go zone for comments in the world of IVF.
A dash of humour and a heap of support can go a long way. However, unsolicited advice can take a detour into the ‘Thanks, but no thanks’ territory.
Navigating the IVF journey is unique for everyone, so let’s keep our ‘helpful’ tips in check and our support unconditional!
💞
Speaking of support, why not sprinkle some extra love and care this Valentine’s season?
Check out our posts on Valentine’s IVF Gift Box Ideas For The Solo IVFer, for some thoughtful and uplifting gift inspirations. And for a touch of magic and optimism, don’t miss Love & Fertility Aligned: 11 IVF Good Luck Charms For Valentine’s Day.
These posts are packed with ideas to bring a smile and a bit of luck to anyone on their IVF journey.
Keep spreading love and understanding, and who knows, maybe we can make the IVF journey a little lighter for someone out there!
🕊️